another rant

I should really stop looking at these wonderful people and just stop being so insecure. I know I know, I shall stop. Stopping. Gah. I can’t take it. Hmp! I think another rant is approaching.

I don’t know why I’m super insecure. If there were an award for the most insecure human being, it probably will be awarded to me. I don’t know. I just feel so puny sometimes. When I see big people, being all successful at things I failed to do... I just feel so small. And then my self-esteem goes kaputtttttt. When I see beautiful girls being... well... beautiful, I feel so small and ridiculously inferior.

To other news: I don’t get people who are asses and spend all their time talking about their stuff being cool, their “richness”. Whatever. Why’d you have to do that? Why’d you have to be a bitch? I mean, we are in the Philippines dudes. Why speak English then stutter and make it even harder for me to understand you? Why not speak your own native tongue you ass? I know I sound like a hypocrite, but I just use English here cause I don’t wanna limit my blog to Filipinos. But when you are talking to other Filipinos, why not have the courage to speak your native tongue? It’s very stupid that you think speaking English will make you cooler. Gahd.

random i-look-stupid pic

emo post

Okay. I am really sad right now. But I don’t really know why, but my boyfriend is trying to understand why I’m wired this way so now I’m trying to enumerate the reasons why I am really frustrated and a little depressed these past few days.

I guess it’s because of my insecurities? Hmm. I always compare myself to other people, most specifically to pretty girls. It’s sort of a sickness. And I always see people excelling in something I failed to do [like looking pretty or getting that much friends or having this and that]. I just feel like a big failure sometimes cause there are a million things I wanna do right now, now that I’m 18. But unfortunately, some things cannot be done and I am really frustrated. It seems pretty shallow that I act like this, but I don’t know, I can’t control what I feel [shit that was cheesy and tacky].

And sometimes, I get annoyed by the fact that I can’t please everybody. And some just hate me for no reason at all. Maybe I get really sad and frustrated because my high school batch didn’t really like me. Actually, people in my high school didn’t really like me. Some did. But the majority didn’t. And I know I’m not suppose to care and all, but sometimes it’s just sad that they don’t even know me and they hate me. [gah that was really cheesy and corny and I’m sorry. Hahaha]

Maybe because I am broke right now. Well, maybe that’s a reason. Cause I want to do so many things but I’m limited by my wallet. I wanna try lots of stuff but I can’t cause I have to be practical and thrifty. Because I see lots of people spending like crazy and boasting about it. I see people who do not deserve what they are getting, what they are enjoying. And it’s frustrating to watch other people squander money like that even though they are mean to their parents/bad examples/stupid/spoiled brats.

And the feeling of being left behind by people you trust and love[platonic] so much. People you had long talks with. People you joked and laughed with. People you were so close to but now it’s like your super close friendship never existed. It really makes me sad to see them moving on with their lives and not taking me with them. And I know it’s selfish of me to be this needy and stupid and stuff that I want to be a part of their lives. And it’s stupid to feel sad because of this. I know it’s a natural thing to just grow apart. But sometimes it makes me so sad and frustrated. I just miss hanging out with these people.

disclaimer: i sometimes contradict myself so just don't ask. i am a very moody person and i feel lots of stuff. sometimes i'm like this, sometimes i'm like that. so there. hahaha